Fig. HT71- Seeing the overhyped Summer MovieSigh...and I like Transformers and thought the first one was alright...
So I saw Transformers and DIED laughing...
Whenever nobody else was laughing! Seriously! I BURSTED OUT in laughter in the full silent theatre of Frat boys and Drunken Dads & their familes when they went out the door of the museum at daytime---IN WASHINGTON D.C.
AND CAME OUT IN THE DESERT! MOUNTAINS IN THE BACKGROUND! AT SUNSET!
!$#$&%$#!
WASHINGTON D.C.! Turned into ARIZONA! Insane! Not to mention the scene ALL the scenes where the actors are faling about like pshycotic monkeys, spewing out unfunny humor (That the lowest-common-denamanotor humor made people in the theatre laugh, scared me in all seriousness though. Everytime I laughed, I died a little on the inside!)
So in this rainbow colored phantasm of fast hitting unfunny jokes and half-profanity, where characters pop in and out of existence, and jump around locations as if they were everywhere at once, there's also transforming robots. No, they're not characters like in the first one. They're reduced to silent vapors - haunting the background, if IN the film (You know...Talk? Which they don't do?) they are a shell of meaning. Optimus Prime's hallowed words have no meaning, no substance. It's an exploitation film. Nothing has meaning. Nothing is fake, real. Everything is a blur of reality- Like a drunk man's stoned dreams. You look into that colorful, yet dark, mess of incoherent visions and shallow imagery and you try to find something you recognize-ANYTHING to help you establish that you are real. Stereotypes wedged into shell casings called actors or CGI make you question if we are really living in a world free from racial divides, until it becomes so insensitive, SO offensive, that you feel like YOU are being stereotyped and are now some sweaty, vain, meatshell or metal car hopping around talking about profane things-without being profane. You're chasing plots that lead nowhere. You're looking into that filth-This mix of blood, gasoline, and sweat and you don't know why people are "getting this". How can the world be so crazy, so vain as to not notice that they've gone from a city to a dense northern forest in a matter of minutes? That one minute they are all fighting, and the next the Autobots are nowhere to be seen? Sam, now simply a stick figure to which all flaws a human can have are given, are rewarded. Encouraged. Megan Fox parades around lazy-eyed for people too drunk to notice that the only heroic act she's given in the movie is to give in and be the "weak one" who says her feelings first. Anything that had any meaning, again EXPLOITED. GONE. If decepticons can turn into mirror image humans, and live among us for long periods of time as a "Omg, look at teh hot chick!!111DOOD!111"...
WHY ARE THEY ROARING AROUND AS TANKS, CARS, AND PLANES IN THE FIRST PLACE? The ENTIRE point of Transformers, within maybe the first six hours of the film, denounces the ENTIRE POINT OF TRANSFORMERS!
In this foggy mess, instead of escaping into a realm of entertainment or being aware of metaphysical moral dilemmas, you are firmly grounded into the light of day. The art of Motion-Picture making, revealed before your eyes, being shamelessly flaunted as something cheap, something meaningless. Something that can be cobbled together and still be as important as it thinks it is.
And people think it is important.
People think it's funny.
And once again, everything, including real people around you in your theater, lose their meaning.
SERVO'S LAUGH TRACK
(Like I said, I didn't so much as chuckle at any of the jokes, however, I could be heard loudly laughing at these classic comedy moments.)
The World keeps on Spinin'
-As Shia and Fox talk endlessly, like a mobius strip of suck, the Camera quickly betrays a camera law which states that you never, EVER, do a complete 360 shot. Forget that, the Camera revolves COMPLETELY around the two- SEVERAL TIMES! I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. Around, Around, Around, until finally...YOU SEE THE SHADOW OF THE CAMERAMAN ON THEM!
Good Luck with that
The robot they called Jetfire (That's NOT the real JetFire. He's cool. Not a stereotype and awful character.) sending them off-For no real reason. Why he would come all the way there, then send them off, and then-I guess go take a nap for the next hour of movie, and come back for the final battle. You crazy kids get going! I'm just a robot that shouldn't age...I mean, good luck!
Oh, and at that time..............The camera was spinning. Around, around, around, and around!
Makes me want to shout!
If this isn't a tell-tale sign that I lost all sense of control during this dark movie, when (in Washington, Arizona) THEY ALL TELPORT TO EGYPT.
I KID YOU NOT. SCREENWRITERS LITERALLY WROTE SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF...
"They all find themselves in Egypt-Telported."
I lost control. In the silent theater I accidentally let slip a yell-of me shouting "TRANSFORMERS can TELPORT!?!?!?" and a loud laugh after. I don't care if it was in some Transformers or if they made that up, you can't just spring that up-and act like it's nothing.
"There is literally a dozen situations we could've used that in."
Oh no! Giant ugly-came-from-nowhere-but-easy-to-beat robot is destroying the Pyramids! If only we had some kind of a Laser gun cannon...Oh wait, we totally have a laser gun cannon? Let's use that then! Petttoooooowwwwww! The End! No more giant robot because our aircraft carrier thousands of miles away had a super laser rail gun-And just happened to be in the area. Plot convince Playhouse!
"Haven't I been here before?"
Remember, no matter WHERE you go. No matter HOW far you drive. No matter WHERE you intend to go. You will ALWAYS be driving past the pyramids of Giza. Always. When you get to Egypt? BOOM, pyramids. When you drive cross country to get to the pyramids? Guess what, you pass right by the pyramids-Then get to the pyramids hours later. Going to Petra? You can see the pyramids from there. It's only a few hours drive, but can easily walk there in a few minutes once the plot is resolved there. Check out the pyramids behind you, right now!
Plot-in-a-Box
If only we had some kind of answers! Oh hey, we totally stored plot point #36799A in a box, which I have right here in the trunk! (Plot Point #36799A also serves as Dirty Random Misplaced Joke #678B in Scene 32.)
Scene It!
Wait...haven't I seen some of this military footage in the first Transformers. Yes, but pay no attention too it...Please?
Blue Laser is going to make it snow at the Beach!
So it's all about getting the Energon. No wait, it's about the knowledge in the cube shard. But wait...there was another one of those, and THAT one was important. Well none of that matters now because we need to get the Matrix of Leadership...Or was it the dust in the sock? Wait, they don't want Energon anymore? Now they want to blow up the sun? WHY?
Well that can't be good? "what about Beach Volleyball?"
"THERE won't BE ANY BEACH VOLLEYBALL!"
Nice Boat
"Yep, we need help here in the desert!"
*IMMEDIATELY cuts to shot of HOVER BOAT IN OCEAN*
*Servo bursts out laughing*
Wow, that was deep Steve...
Thank you for the random "In god's image" line. Sure, it doesn't really apply to this scene or the movie, and in no way provokes any kind of real question, but we just thought that this was deep when we were high, so we kept it in there.
You can just drop that anywhere...
-SPOILER ALERT, IF YOU CARE-
So about 3 hours in to the movie, they kill Optimus Prime, beloved cultural icon of a generation, and he really only appears in about two of the film's eight hours. As he (Guess what....) is being flown off in a HELICOPTER AT SUNSET...He's unceremoniously dropped like a rock.
*Kerthunk*
-silence-
*Bursts out laughing*
So that's what that is...
I quote..."It's got some kinda' weird alien tattoos on him."
Thanks for bluntly stating that, highlighting that it makes no sense.
You never talk about yourself.
So the worst part is there's like 40 new Transformers, and NONE OF THEM TALK. Seriously. Annoying ones aside, There's all sorts of robots-And they get no introduction or any explanation in any way. And now the Autobots you love have less lines and NO character development!
Wait.......what?
Optimus' speech at the end.
Huh?
In other words, Transformers 2 is the worst of the worst. Truly a testament to overall bad film making, which is when a thousand things that COULD be good, are ruined because of shoddy directing and assembled without care, thought, or emotion. You don't know how important a good director is, until you see a film with such horribly careless directing as seen in Transformers 2.
Sorry for the long review. But after seeing that, you need happy thoughts.
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